I say challenge because as a young girl I always seem to strive to be something I am not. Ladylike is something I am not 100 percent at but here, in the next year of my life before hitting 40 I want to be consider by at least someone a lady.
So I been thinking ways to improve myself for me instead of other's I set back with some challenges form a group of ladies I belong too. (yes I finally seem to belong.) So one of the challenges at somewhere was to write self letters to ourselves. This triggered in me more of what I wanted to become and less of what I wanted to become that I was struggling with inside.
This is one of my letters. (edited names out)
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Dear Ladies I been struggling with who is the (my real name)? Who am I suppose to be what am I suppose to be doing? where is my weakness coming from? And what are my strengths that I can use to overcome them. This has been on my minds years and years.
I can't even begin to tell you how bad or lack of bad my life has been. Accordingly as I am aware some people have it really worse and some have it so much better, it's Life and it's what I make of it. My trauma and turmoil would either be aloud to destroy or build me it's all about I decided to lay it on the line. So thanks to Dawn I have decided that a big step is to become more feminine woah now that is a shocker. I don't mean girly girly indecisive damsel in distress type of feminine. I mean the type where I know and can accept that I am a woman that has limitations in some places and unlimitedtations (a word?) in others.
I don't feel like a womanyeah that sounds strange.See I always have been raised around boys and I joke and have a foul manly type voice (f-bomb is one of my fav words when I am angry ugh how unlady like? ) I have always been around men friends and avoid girls in fear to be sucked into the girly girl airhead invasion that I grew up around. So I was a do it all type form the get go. (not a man hater) just seems like i was doing all the man stuff and the woman stuff.
We were two girls no boys that is it. So we had to clean house and mow lawns and do boy chores and I think I got a head set that I had to play both roles when it came to taking care of me. when I has my son with no man around I was mom and dad.
Now that I am closing in on 40 I have learned through that i don't want to feel like I have to do it all.
I want and feel like I need to become a ladylike and less manlylike. I have a feminine body and face I don't look butch that is not what I mean when I say manlylike.
I just want to be able to be okay to have feelings like a woman should instead of repressing my fears and tears to be a tough guy. I have been playing with the idea a long time. I had no idea how to do it or if i really wanted such a vast lifestyle change so that is where I am at in my life. Finding my feminine side I believe is the key to finding my inner beauty I feel like if I figure out and implement this in my life It is going to blaze an inner fire inside me that will spiral into the right direction and this will lead me to what I have always wanted in life that I can't even name, it's that huge I can't even describe the greatness of it. It is just the greatness of Lisa I guess?
I love you ladies you are like sisters to me. I feel connected more to you than real family.
sorry this is so long a letter to you Ladies.
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What I think it boils down to is wanting to become my best me. I can't do that doing things like I am both roles, it is way to time consuming and tiring. What I want in life is to learn how to respect and love myself as much as possible and then some. I have shared this view with very little amount of people in a way by posting it and shoving it out there for anyone to see is like stripping away the girl and inventing the women.
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